Just for Laughs...
Funny Pregnancy Jokes
When you become pregnant, you have lots of questions. Here are some funny pregnancy jokes to some of those questions you may have during pregnancy, during labor, and after you have your baby. So many emotions come over you when pregnant...anxiety, nervousness, sadness, happiness and many more. Sometimes we need to just sit back and have a good laugh. So take a moment, sit back, relax and LAUGH!
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
~Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all.
Are birth control pills deductible?
~Only if they dont work.
What is a chastity belt?
~A labor-saving device.
Should I have a baby after 35?
~No, 35 children are enough.
Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
~Yes, but its much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
My husband and I are very attractive. Im sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
~With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
~If its the flu, youll get better.
Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
~Yes, your bladder.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
~For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
What is the most reliable method to determine a babys sex?
The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
~Cause youre fatter than they are.
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.
~So whats your question?
Whats the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
~Nothing, if the pregnant womans husband knows whats good for him.
I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that Im pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
~Not if you dont mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.
Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
~Depends on what youre doing with them.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
~Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.
Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
~When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
~Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.
My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
~Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
~Right after you find out your pregnant.
How long is the average woman in labor?
~Whatever she says, divided by two.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
~Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.
What does it mean when the babys head is crowning?
~It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
What are forceps?
~Giant baby tweezers.
Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
~Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Im modest. Once Im in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
~Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Where is the best place to store breast milk?
~In your breasts.
What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
~It means that the babys mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
What are the terrible twos?
~Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey.
What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
~When you see teeth marks.
What is the grasp reflex?
~The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mothers breasts.
What causes baby blues?
~Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.
What is colic?
~A reminder for new parents to use birth control.
What are night terrors?
~Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams shes pregnant again.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
~When the kids are in college.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
When choosing a name for your baby, go to the back door and shout it out a few times.
Now...what if MEN got PREGNANT!
~ Maternity leave would last for two years....with full pay.
~There would be a cure for stretch marks.
~Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
~Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
~All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
~Children would be kept in the hospital until potty trained.
~Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
~They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
~Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
~Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
~They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
~Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.
~Women would rule the world.